When Your Spouse Doesn't Get It

Your spouse promised “in sickness and in health.” Celiac disease is testing that vow in ways neither of you expected.

Maybe they’re mostly supportive but occasionally careless. Maybe they resent the lifestyle changes. Maybe they secretly think you’re overreacting.

Living with a partner who doesn’t fully get it is isolating. Here’s how to navigate it.

What “Not Getting It” Looks Like

Carelessness

• Using your cutting board for regular bread
• Not cleaning the counter thoroughly after making sandwiches
• Forgetting your needs when planning meals or outings

Minimization

• “It’s just a little bit.”
• “You used to be fine with everything.”
• “I think you’re being too strict.”

Resentment

• Complaining about the cost of GF food
• Sighing when restaurants don’t work
• Acting like your needs are a burden

Active Undermining

• Insisting you eat at restaurants that aren’t safe
• Pressuring you to “just try” unsafe food
• Not telling you about gluten in food they made

The severity varies. Occasional carelessness is different from active undermining. But all of it affects your health and your relationship.

Understanding Their Perspective

This doesn’t excuse the behavior, but it helps to understand:

They didn’t choose this either. When you got diagnosed, their life changed too. They may be grieving their own losses, shared meals, easy restaurants, spontaneity.

It’s invisible. They don’t see your intestinal damage. If your symptoms aren’t obvious, the reality of the disease is easy to doubt.

It’s inconvenient. GF living is genuinely more complicated. That doesn’t make their complaints okay, but it explains them.

They may feel rejected. If they cook for you and you can’t eat it, that feels personal. Even if it’s not.

Understanding doesn’t mean accepting. But it does help you respond rather than just react.

The Essential Conversation

If you haven’t had a serious conversation about your needs, have it:

Make it formal. “I need to talk to you about something important. Can we sit down tonight?”

Be specific. Not just “you don’t get it” but “these specific things have happened, and this is how they affect me.”

Explain the stakes. “When I get cross-contamination, it damages my intestine. Even small amounts. This isn’t about being picky, it’s about not getting permanent damage.”

State your needs clearly. “I need these specific things from you: [dedicated sponge, cleaned counters, willingness to eat at GF-friendly restaurants].”

Ask for their commitment. “Can you commit to this?”

If They’re Willing to Learn

Some partners just need education. They don’t understand the biology or the reality.

Resources to share:

• Celiac foundation materials
• This website
• Your gastroenterologist’s explanations
• Books about celiac disease

Ways to involve them:

• Have them come to a doctor’s appointment
• Cook together and show them your process
• Let them see you when you’ve been glutened (if they haven’t)

Positive reinforcement: When they get it right, acknowledge it. “Thank you for cleaning the counter so well. I noticed and I appreciate it.”

If They’re Resistant

If education doesn’t work, if they’ve heard the facts but still don’t change:

Set firm boundaries.

• “I will not eat food you prepare unless I can verify the process.”
• “I will not go to restaurants that aren’t safe, regardless of what you want.”
• “I will not risk my health to make you comfortable.”

Protect yourself. Do whatever you need to be safe, even if they don’t like it. Your health isn’t negotiable.

Consider professional help. A therapist can help if this is affecting your relationship. It’s not just about celiac, it’s about respect, support, and partnership.

The Deeper Issue

Chronic illness reveals things about relationships.

A partner who dismisses your medical needs is showing you something about how they handle difficulty, respect your autonomy, and prioritize your wellbeing.

This might be a celiac-specific blind spot that can be worked on.

Or it might be a pattern that extends to other areas.

Only you can determine which.

What You Deserve

Let me be clear: you deserve a partner who:

• Believes your diagnosis
• Respects your needs
• Adapts their behavior to protect you
• Makes accommodating you feel normal, not burdensome
• Advocates for you with family and in public

If your current partner isn’t there yet, they might get there with time and effort.

If they refuse to get there, that tells you something important.

Practical Workarounds

While working on the bigger issues, protect yourself practically:

• Maintain your own GF space that they don’t access
• Prepare your own food when you can’t trust shared cooking
• Have go-to restaurants you can always suggest
• Keep safe snacks on you at all times
• Don’t rely on them for food decisions

This isn’t ideal. In a supportive marriage, you should be able to count on your spouse. But until that’s reality, take care of yourself.

When It’s Working

In a supportive marriage around celiac:

• Your spouse knows the rules and follows them automatically
• They ask questions and remember the answers
• They speak up for you at restaurants and family gatherings
• They don’t make you feel like a burden
• Your kitchen feels safe
• Planning meals and outings accounts for your needs naturally

This is possible. Many couples get there.

A Prayer for Hard Marriages

Lord, this is harder than I expected.

I’m supposed to be partners. I’m supposed to be able to count on them. And sometimes I can’t.

Help me communicate clearly. Help me hold boundaries. Help me not let resentment poison us.

Soften their heart to understand. Open their eyes to see what I carry.

And if they can’t get there, give me wisdom about what that means.

Protect my health. Protect my heart. Protect my marriage if it can be protected.

Amen.

It Can Get Better

Many partners who start out not getting it eventually do. Time, education, seeing the consequences, repeated conversations, these work on people.

Don’t give up on them too quickly. But don’t sacrifice your health on the hope that they’ll change.

Hold the boundary. Keep communicating. See what happens.