When Your Spouse Doesn't Get It

You have celiac disease. Your spouse doesn’t. And somewhere along the way, you’ve realized they don’t really get it.

Maybe they’re dismissive. Maybe they’re careless. Maybe they’re supportive in theory but not in practice. Whatever form it takes, you feel alone in your own home.

This is hard. Here’s how to think about it, and what might help.

What “Not Getting It” Looks Like

It can manifest in many ways:

Dismissiveness:

• “You’re being paranoid.”
• “A little won’t hurt you.”
• “You used to eat this stuff.”

Carelessness:

• Using your toaster for regular bread
• Double-dipping in the butter
• Not checking ingredients when cooking for you

Resentment:

• Complaining about restaurant choices
• Sighing when you check labels
• Acting like your diet is a burden

Denial:

• “Are you sure you really have celiac?”
• “Maybe you’ve outgrown it.”
• “My friend says their celiac went away.”

Passive indifference:

• Not learning about cross-contamination
• Forgetting your needs repeatedly
• Leaving all food management to you

Why They Might Not Get It

Before assuming malice, consider possible reasons:

They don’t understand the seriousness. To them, it might seem like a preference or sensitivity, not an autoimmune disease.

They haven’t seen you sick. Some celiacs have silent symptoms. If they haven’t witnessed your suffering, it’s abstract.

They’re overwhelmed. Maybe life is stressful and adding “learn about celiac” feels like too much.

They’re grieving too. Your diagnosis changed their life too, restaurants, cooking, social eating. They may be processing their own loss.

They’re bad at adapting. Some people struggle with change in general. It’s not about you specifically.

They’re genuinely dismissive. Unfortunately, sometimes people just don’t take chronic illness seriously.

Understanding the reason helps you respond appropriately.

Strategies That Help

Have the Real Conversation

Not a fight. Not a request in passing. A sit-down, serious conversation.

Frame it:

“I need to talk about something important. My celiac disease is a real medical condition, not a preference, and when it’s not taken seriously at home, I feel unsupported. I need your help to stay healthy.”

Be specific about what you need:

“I need you to use a separate knife for the butter. I need us to check restaurant menus together. I need you to stop saying ‘a little won’t hurt.’”

Listen to their response. They may have concerns or frustrations to voice too.

Educate (Without Lecturing)

Some people need information:

• Share articles about celiac disease
• Have them join a doctor’s appointment
• Watch a documentary together
• Point to specific consequences (intestinal damage, cancer risk)

But don’t become a broken record. If they’ve heard the information and still don’t respond, more lecturing won’t help.

Show, Don’t Tell

Sometimes experiencing is more powerful than explaining:

• Let them see the label-reading process
• Involve them in finding safe restaurants
• Have them call a restaurant to ask about GF options
• If you get glutened, don’t hide your symptoms

When they see what you go through, it becomes real.

Set Boundaries

You can’t control their beliefs, but you can set boundaries about behavior:

“I’m not going to argue about whether celiac is real. But I need you to follow the kitchen protocols regardless.”

“I won’t eat food you’ve prepared unless you’ve followed the safety steps. That’s not negotiable.”

“If you can’t take this seriously, I’ll need to prepare all my own food.”

Boundaries aren’t punishments. They’re protection.

Get Outside Reinforcement

Sometimes a third party helps:

• Your doctor explaining the seriousness
• A couples therapist facilitating communication
• A celiac support group where your spouse can hear from others
• A dietitian walking through the requirements

Hearing it from someone else can break through where you can’t.

When It’s Not Just About Celiac

Sometimes “not getting celiac” is a symptom of larger relationship issues:

• Lack of empathy generally
• Power dynamics
• Not feeling heard in other areas
• Historical dismissiveness

If this is the case, celiac is just the current battleground. The underlying issue needs addressing, possibly with a therapist.

Protecting Your Health Regardless

Whatever your spouse does, your health comes first.

Practical steps:

• Have your own safe supplies (toaster, butter, utensils)
• Prepare your own food when needed
• Don’t eat anything you’re unsure about, even if they claim it’s safe
• Find community elsewhere (celiac groups, supportive friends)

You can’t force understanding. But you can protect yourself.

The Emotional Reality

Living with someone who doesn’t get it is lonely.

Home should be safe, literally and emotionally. When it’s not, you grieve that too.

It’s okay to feel:

• Sad that your partner doesn’t understand
• Angry that you have to fight for basic support
• Disappointed that this is your reality
• Lonely even in your own marriage

These feelings are valid. Consider talking to a therapist who understands chronic illness.

When It Improves

Sometimes spouses come around:

• They see you get really sick and it clicks
• Education finally lands
• A doctor says something that resonates
• They have their own health issue and understand vulnerability
• Time and experience shift their perspective

Change is possible. It may just take longer than you hoped.

When It Doesn’t

Some spouses never fully get it. You may need to accept that you’ll:

• Manage your health largely independently
• Find support elsewhere
• Lower expectations for this area of the relationship
• Evaluate whether the relationship works overall

In severe cases, where there’s deliberate sabotage, mockery, or refusal to accommodate, this becomes a bigger conversation about the relationship itself.

You Deserve Support

Here’s what I want you to know: your needs are legitimate. You’re not asking for too much by wanting your spouse to help keep you healthy.

A supportive spouse doesn’t have to understand every medical detail. They just have to take it seriously and act accordingly.

You deserve that. Don’t settle for less.